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How's this for the old double standard? Suppose a man walked up to a woman on the street and asked what she was wearing underneath her skirt. What would happen to him? Arrest and successful prosecution, that's what. But if you're a kiltwearing man, you'll get this kind of harassment all the time - women will be forever hounding you about what you're wearing under that kilt of yours. Does this sound fair and equitable?

From the very onset of your kiltwearing career, you'll encounter a lot of closed, tiny minds who think men must wear pants every single second. There are droves of Trouser Tyrants and fashion bigots out there, just waiting for an opportunity to confront a man who dares to wear the belted plaid. Of all the adjustments you must make in switching to a kilt instead of pants, perhaps the most bizarre is being asked the Same Old Question almost daily. But what's the best response to this strange, somewhat perverse curiosity on the part of total strangers?

You could of course reply with a snippy, "None of your business," but that won't win you many friends. If you're the type of man who doesn't wish to share his undergarment status with the general public, you can explain that "Traditionally, nothing is worn underneath." This beauty of this approach is that it provides some basic information and a ready answer to the question, while at the same time stopping short of revealing what you personally may be wearing or not wearing.

Are You Now - Or Have You Ever Been - Regimental?

Another fine answer to inquiries along these lines involves a critical slang term: Regimental. When one has gone Regimental, he has - how to put this? - maximized groin ventilation by removing any pesky layers of fabric that might obstruct the free flow of air. Legend has it that this kind of bold fashion statement was originally popularized by Scottish Highland Regiments of the UK Armed Forces. It's little wonder many experts consider "Regimental" to be among the most manly responses one can give.

The optimal solution to the kiltwearer's dilemma, however, is to keep a few marginally clever responses on the tip of your tongue, ready for just the right occasion to deliver one of them. In that spirit, here are several comebacks that have made kiltwearing men appear borderline sharp and witty down through the ages, when asked the age-old question, "What are you wearing under your kilt?"

• "I assure you that nothing is worn under my kilt. Everything's in peak condition."

• "There's just one way to find out, love. Care to warm up the hands a bit?"

• "Shoes and socks."

• "Are you sure you really want to know?"

• "That's odd - I can't seem to recall what I've got on. Could you check for me?"

• "Nothing, lassie. Nothing but me Gaelic pride..."

Caution, Please: When utilizing the above responses, be forewarned that some women categorically refuse to back down from any challenge, no matter how daunting, or how much nudity may be involved. Be prepared for any eventuality. If she calls your bluff, and you happen to be Regimental, you may end up revealing your "Gaelic pride" to a riotous crowd of onlookers, some of whom may be carrying video cameras with fresh battery packs.