While there are centuries-old paintings of men wearing kilts, there
are no correspondingly ancient lists of instructions to indicate
precisely how the men in the paintings got their kilts on. The entire
procedure is by definition guesswork, which is why you'll
find no shortage of misinformed clowns brazenly insisting that you
are “wearing it wrong.” In the case of kiltwearing,
there is no one right way to do things, and the wrong way is any
method that doesn't work well for you.
The Lazy Man's Way
The method described below is only one way to put on a kilt.
Feel free to incorporate any improvements you have in mind.
Since this method is performed lying down, we call it “The Lazy
Man's Way.”
Start with your belt. Spread it full length on the floor, with
the inside facing up. Then spread out the kilt over the belt, positioning
the belt at waist level and centering it.
Next gather the center portion of the cloth and fold it along the
pleats, working outwards from the center. Your objective in folding
is to reduce the dimensions of the cloth until the top edge
of the kilt is even with the middle of your forearms, and the bottom
edge bisects your knees. Periodically, you may want to lay down
on the cloth to gauge your progress.
When the kilt has achieved the above dimensions, lay down on it
and pull the right side over, lining it up with your left leg. Then
grab the left side and pull it over until it overlaps the right
side. Next, ensure that your belt is securely fastened so that it
rests at the level of your natural waist (not your hips). Upon standing,
your kilt will be positioned properly, but it may not appear that
way. You are sure to notice what seems to be yard upon yard of excess
material left over, now hanging down between your legs in a most
unsightly manner. Not to worry. Most wearers merely throw the overage
over one shoulder, tuck it into the belt to form pockets, or secure
it with a safety pin - after that, they're ready to roll.
On damp days, the excess material can even be manipulated to form
a protective rain hood. Experiment with different arrangements until
you've convinced yourself that there are indeed an infinite
number of possible variations.
Naturally, The Lazy Man's Way may not be suitable for every
tartan wearer. If it feels weird for you to lay down while putting
on clothing, for example, by all means devise your own procedure.
Some critics have implied that lying down to put on a kilt is undignified
or even inauthentic; however, the historical evidence suggests that
for Highlanders in the olden days, the kilt was removed at night
and used as a sleeping blanket. Upon arising, it would be most logical
for an ancient Highlander to roll right over onto his kilt to put
it back on, while still lying down.
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